I wonder if there is in each of us the neurological equivalent of mille feuille-layered photographic film – micron-thin – pervasive with the shades of every
human face we’ve peered at in the day and dream of in the night, or in late autumn afternoon, when light begins to do its tricks and fix us with afflictions:
addict us to new simulacra of the soul. I wonder if the brain hides whole the mass of implications in the vast arrays, soft panoplies of patient gazes,
angry brows, erotic mouths, and other facial aspects and distractions we amass through looking – all unclassified and cooking in our humid psychic heat:
spilling sweet into the deltas of our consciousness like dancing sea grass, waving in our optic estuaries: unconsidered beckonings of babies, dentists, prostitutes,
professors, wrestlers, aunts. Today two golden fellows billowed up and caught me in their glance – fully loaded with surmise, troubled hunger in their eyes.
Veronica woke up to the phenomena of feeling such gradations of well-being – such a reeling panoply and range of gladness – she wondered if she’d happened on
the central madness of all happiness – stranger and more dangerous than deep depression: what was this large unnerving glorious expression she could feel begin to glide across
her face until her smile became so wide that it began to ache? Was this some mania remaking her – or was it joy? Boy! She dared to think she might have stumbled onto some
bold drumming secret of the heart: the part of her, and life, and all the Universe that was and is eternally untainted; something actually pure. Her cat was not so sure.
Life sits there like a fact, all fat and naked, long gray hair, rouged lips and beard – as if whatever she or he will see, has all appeared already –
holding steady for rejuvenation, though – which always comes – and always goes – expanding into throes of numerable generations –
not infinity. Someday, in some vicinity, fat bearded lady life will sit down to what he or she expects to be another cup of tea and neither tea nor she or he will be.
Why was it electric yellow? It wasn’t that there wasn’t lemon in it – oh, there was: and egg yolk beaten to a froth – and honey ladled in to render sour citrus soft: she’d iced it all to cold bold gold. Inga worked hard: prized her summer soup. But this one threw her for a loop. Blinding as the sun, it seemed to want to float aloft. And my! – it was a chilling sight! Something she had done to it –
that grind of Swedish cardamom? – had undermined a law of physics – leeched a cosmic secret out: her soup emitted light. Its brightness flowed in bloops and bloats and glows out from the bowl, slowly rising, separating into clouds which coalesced somewhere above the ozone layer of the sky to cause abrupt eruption of a spry new universe. All Inga knew is that her soup
had disappeared. Well, that – and that her cat would soon appear to lick whatever had been left: “Here, Marabelle!” The kitty came, and tongued the faint remains of baby Universe – the kind the theoretically inclined call Parallel. Marabelle has turned a little strange. She flickers in and out of range: she’ll disappear and reappear and purr. Some say she belongs to Schrödinger.
The soul’s a song-and-dance girl, waiting in her dressing room, ready to play any role at all, thoughtful about keeping up her range: Gershwin’s always nice –
Sondheim’s pretty strange – ballad and a patter-tune – salad, light on oil, for lunch – singing Noel Coward on a Friday night – for that cynical elusive bunch
for whom she’s yet to do a damned thing right. The soul’s a song-and-dance girl hoping to perform, keeping every dance and song inside her warm.
Too many curves and coils and superimpositions – spoils of secret internecine wars fought in the shadows of what absolutely no one knew was there but you.
Nothing left. Shot your wad. Sometimes there’s a loneliness which so surpasses any other human feeling that you have to think it comes from God.
There is a look in certain pretty women’s eyes, you’re sure, that schemes to gauge the proper size of things: scrutinize with grace your blunt regard, and sense the right degree then to retard
or halt or nudge along the pace of the encounter. Such a woman never doesn’t know to count her blessings in half-wittingly initiating the exchange: she chooses purposefully from the range
of what she knows are her allurements what to bring to bear, not for procurements of a partner or a prize, but for the flaming light she can invoke, not in her eyes but yours: bright
as life. Of certain pretty women this is surely true. But most are maybe just as scared as you.
Fresh excess of city: June air – lush and hot, an ardent dare – rushes in to barter with the sun, to be the one that gets to take the first sip from the lips of New York’s swift deliciousness: beget a public demonstration: irresistible to puny sorts like you and me.
Breezes kiss: a blissful constancy, they cannot miss, so soft and strong and longing – blue and gold and green and gleaming like the sheen of sweat on skin. Eros glides down Broadway with a hard-on in the wind: sin-slide! This is not the day to stay inside.
Today I saw the girl I never met and didn’t marry. Pretty, slim and twenty-two, she sat there at a yellow table on a yellow chair upon a verdant new June lawn,
her eyes direct and candid, soaking up the sight of me from underneath a giant curving picture hat. She wore a pinky-orange summer dress. Me, I was a mess.
Stood there like a sagging barn, sweaty large black t-shirt on, stained as badly as my past – cargo shorts hung baggy from my sixty-year old ass: feet in clunky
sneaks – at all of which she took quite thorough peeks. She neither seemed distressed, impressed nor more than mildly curious about the marriage that we never had.
I didn’t have to say that I was gay – she didn’t have to tell me what she’d done instead of wedding me – perhaps we wondered what a child from both of us might have
turned out to be, but mostly we accepted we were ghosts. Funny, though, the glow of that unblinking gaze. That’s the part of her, this girl I never met, that stays.
I write roughly one poem a day. This blog is a continuation of a series of poem depot websites I'd also had through google, but which seem now to have filled up with my stuff to the point where I can't edit or add another page.
So here I am. Since April 1, 2009 I've been adding drawings, one a day. To see them fuller size left-click on the drawing - and voila.
To get an idea of who I am, google on "Guy Kettelhack."
To see poems I've written previous to the ones in this poem depot, google on Guy Kettelhack + Act 2 (or just Guy Kettelhack + poetry): for kind unsolicited observations about my work by photographer Rick Shupper: google Guy Kettelhack + Holtermann Design LLC. (I'd provide links but they don't seem to stick here.)
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thanks for stopping by.