Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Can Standpipes Talk?

TSNY Researchers Detect Underground
Communications Network

Good news for standpipes and the growing number
of New Yorkers who care about them. It turns out
that standpipes situated even as far as apart as this
green and this red one on 6th Avenue in Chelsea are
not doomed to what Dr. Sandra Malamute, president
Things Standpipe in New York (TSNY) and the city's
leading expert in their culture and behavior, calls
"situational loneliness." 

"Our research has recently determined," says Dr.
Malamute, "that standpipes continually send patterns
of a rapid series of water pressure pulses to each
other, just beneath the surface of the sidewalk, and
are therefore never not in communication." These
communication pulse patterns, "not unlike our morse 
code," says Malamute, "run like vast electrical networks 
throughout all the city's boroughs." 

How they managed this achievement is, like most 
of the rest of what we know about them, unexplained: 
"So far!" Malamute adds cheerfully.

For further information about TSNY, a volunteer 
organization of New Yorkers concerned about what 
their pamphlet "Standpipes: Who They Are, Who We 
Are & How You Can Help" describes as "the plight 
of this under-appreciated and much misunderstood 
plumbing apparatus subculture," contact Guy 
Kettelhack, public relations director of TSNY 
and their best known exponent, on Facebook,
where he perennially resides.

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